Denise for a day

I had to call Blue Cross and Humana insurance companies today. I didn’t want to call on Monday because personnel is not at their bright, shiny best on Mondays  Tuesday and Wednesday I had errands to run and Friday is never a good time to call anyone in any customer service because they really aren’t working. They might answer the phone, but their minds are on the weekend, football or drinking or both.

BTW, if you ever have to do business with these insurance companies, especially two in one day, do not plan on doing anything else on that day.

Call one to Blue Cross.  

I got Sandy.

I want to buy a Medicare supplement plan, Sandy.  OK, says she, we can do that.  I have questions.  An hour later, she is asking questions, the same ones over and over again. Then she tells me she has to put me on hold. This is a scary thing because we all know that hold is some sort of abyss we fall into and never quite reach the top again. Yup, I was put on hold and cut off.  I wasn’t even surprised.  I called back and whoever answered wanted to know which Sandy I wanted to talk to. I said the same Sandy who just hung up on me. She should remember.  After 10 more minutes on hold, Sandy returned and welcomed me back like a long lost relative she just found on Facebook. It took still another hour for her to finish. She had to read stuff and she couldn’t read. Adjudicate became adjudification and worse. She sounded out each word more than 2 syllables, one syllable at a time. That took a very long time, but by George, she got it done. 2 hours on the phone with Blue Cross. Whew.

Then came call two,  Humana, my current insurance company. I had to find out what dental benefits I have.  This call did not start well at all.

She answered and said, “Hi Denise.” 

Me: “I am not Denise.”

And then the circus started. She says, “Are you sure?”

Me: “Absolutely.”

Her:  “What name is on your birth certificate?”

Me: “It is not Denise!”

Her:  “Have you ever changed your name from Denise to what it is now?”

Me:  “OMG, what is wrong? I  am not now, nor have I never been Denise,” feeling like I was being investigated by a Joe McCarthy Senate Committee investigating alleged communists.

Her: "What is the name on your Medicare card?"

Me:  "Jan."

Me: “What is your name?”

Her: “Suzanne.”

Me:  “OK, Hazel, let’s get this over with.”

Her: I’m not Hazel. 

Me: “Today, you are.”

Her: “But my name is Suzanne.”

Her:  “What is your name?”  

Me:  “Same as it always has been.” Jan

Her: “Are you sure?”

Me lowering my voice a register: “Sweet Jesus, if you need me to be Denise, I can be, but just for today.?”

She didn't laugh

Me:  “Why are you calling me Denise?”

Her:  “That’s what’s on your ID card.”

Me:  “ No it’s not. I have my ID card in front of me, and Denise does not appear.”

Her: "Spell the name on the card."

Me:  "J A N!"

Her: "Are you sure."

Me: " Y E S!"

Her:  “OK, Den’ I mean Jan.”

Me: “Can I ask my questions now?”

And so some 20 minutes into the call, I don’t have to be Denise anymore.

I was asking about dental benefits. She read them to me. Took her 15 minutes to do so and she called me Denise more than once.

I swear this happened. Donna was sitting here laughing so hard, Hazel could hear her.

If you get a phone call from Denise, it might be me.